Thirsty

I feel like I am dying of thirst, soulfully. I feel like my prayers wander into God's ears, but there is a huge vastness in between me and His answers. I feel disconnected to my life, and it doesn't seem like anything that I do makes a change. I still love to worship, I still pray under my breath as I'm working around the house, I still read my Bible as eratically and sporadically as I always have (always needed work in that area). I still believe in my amazing God, his grace and blessings in my life, and see him working, but I feel like I am watching from 'outside'. Weird. I am more convinced now of my faith in Him and what he does good in my life. I have been wanting to start studying women in warfare and applying it to spiritual warfare in a woman's (my) daily life, maybe that will jumpstart something, since I have a feeling that that is probably a big part of my current problem. And, we get to go to a conference at the end of May in Greece that should be awesome, both for me and Dan. better go get studying. Hey, elizabeth, do you have any source for 'women in warfare'? just curious.

little man

Little by little my little boy is growing up. more independent, more words, more big boy stuff, more messes. The other day Susie
(well, Andy) said that we don't have a baby boy now, we have a little boy, and it is true. Both happy and sad about that, too. He has never been a cuddle bum, but now, I am lucky if I can get him to stop long enough to give me a quick kiss and half hug. But, oh! how much I love him.
here's some pages I did of a recent mess he got into. And, you know what I let him. So what that it was the third pair of pants that he had gotten dirty that day, and it was his new H&M t-shirt. He is a little boy and needs to learn little boy things and have fun, even if mommy has to do laundry for the rest of her life.

Flashback Friday

This is three years ago, we took the kindergarten kids to the zoo, and they loved it. Even though it was freezing cold, eventhough half of them wet their pants, and even though it was a glorified collection of exotic chickens with a few huge dogs thrown in. They were just exhausted, as you can see, and some didn't make it home without a catnap (how fitting!). Don't you just love the horrible graininess this has. (I love my EOS!)
I like how blue my eyes are. I know, I'm awful.

New Favorite Day of the week

Okay, It's official. I love THURSDAYS. why? Because of shoes, because it is non-sensical way to celebrate who we are. And, so much fun, and tomorrow is Flashback Friday, too much fun for the end of the week!

Sassy Shoe Thursday

Hooray! It's finally here. My husband thinks I'm a nut. Yesterday I asked him, "do you know what tomorrow is?" - Blank stare, huge question mark almost became visible in the air above his head - "Sassy Shoe Thursday"!
Here's the rules:
any shoes go - if you like them, dislike them, or want them; which includes shoes that you don't have yet, and may never have
tell a little about why you like or dislike them, maybe a memory of when you wore them for eight hours walking through the streets of Paris, five months pregnant, and finally decided to just completely take them off and walked barefoot the last 1/2 mile to your hotel. Ooops! those ones dies a very noble death on that same trip so there will be no picture of them.

I love shoes because they can tell so much about a person, in general and for that moment, and they can make or break whatever it is you decide to wear with them.
Anyhow, there's the rules, and here's my shoes:

They were six dollars, skinny instead of bulky on my feet, and have green on them. Can I really say more? Except that they make me what to skip and run like a fleet-footed...thing. They go with denim, shorts, and skirts, and they are very light. They are also a little in need of cleaning!

Today is Wednesday

Just a note to mention that tomorrow I am starting 'sassy shoe thursday'. play along if you want or just look at my shoes in envy :P
Simply post a pic of any shoes that you: like, hate, or want (yes, shoes you don't own {yet} qualify) and tell a little about what you like or don't like about them.
if you don't have a lot of shoes, or you finally run out, go and raid a friend's closet. It's the beauty of shoes, even if they aren't yours they can still be cute, or sassy!
see you tomorrow

reassurance

I live in a place where the parenting rules that I grew up with and count as normal are very liberal and 'on the edge', or in other words, bad. My child runs around without five layers of clothes on (not an exaggeration), I allow him to try to figure out things on his own, I don't go running immediately to the doctor if he starts coughing, he doesn't like to be held, he eats regular food and lots of it. All of these things will sound normal, or at least somewhat, to Americans, but here, they are definitely not main-stream. So when it comes to things like asking for some encouragement or advice, I am stuck and very alone. How long do I let this fever go on for? Is there a growth spurt at 19 months that I don't know about or is my child just demon-posessed? Is it normal that my son eats more food than me and is only 18 pounds? And, that is only the tip of the iceburg, my friends. But, this last week, I e-mailed our pediatrician, and was hugely blessed and reassured that I am not a bad mommy, the warped (sometimes, I truly think so!) place where we live isn't an example of the way things have to be done, and my child will live and grow up to be an awesome boy! Thank you so much, Dr. Marron, for encouragement through advice and assurance that I can do this! Now, back to potty training...

And we begin...

Warm weather has finally come, which I am so excited about, but so did the part of the Kosovar calendar that I forgot - celebration days. Of course, everyone wants their special day to be on a day full of sunshine, but here, they take it to the extreme. And, since they make babies like crazy, the older ones are always getting married, and new ones are always being born. There's your two big celebrations : weddings, and births. There is also a day for when little boys get circumcised, but that is normally in conjunction with a wedding. So, I have to start dressing up, and not just a little bit. Each wedding is more like getting ready for the prom. But, I laugh, because so much of my own personal style has been affected by the things I have learned here. I love make-up, besides shoes, make-up is my other 'fetish', but in America, Montana especially, it is very easy, and acceptable to get stuck in a make-up rut. But, why in the world did God create all of these beautiful colors if not to have fun with them. I have grown tired and skeptical of the 'jezebel' curse that make-up has, and have decided that the heart (duh!) is what determines that attitude. so, I can proudly say that I am a painted woman! HA! This picture didn't show it very well, but I had pink and pale green eye shadow on, with violet eye liner. And, it looked awesome. And, glittery cheeks. I would rather not have to have a bee hive on my head, but even that part of the dressing up is fun!

hair cut

Well, we finally got around to cutting our son's hair. yes, we did it ourselves, and our methods are, shall we say, unorthodox. but, he shouldn't be mentally scarred from it should he? (It was Dan's idea to use the garbage bag around his neck). But, no matter the means, the end is that Judah no longer has a mop of hair that looks as though it is trying to conquer the world starting with his noggin. I'm not sure Judah even cares about it, but I am glad that it is cut.






he wouldn't stop crying. and I got a little frustrated with the client (Judah) and the coach (Dan) {I hadn't asked for a coach}, so Dan ended up doing the finishing work. but, isn't he a handsome fellow?

respect and dirty clothes

I think that it would be only be right to have a moment of silence. Since we arrived home from Germany, we have had amazing electricity. not 24/7, but most of the 24! So, I am simply assuming that someone has died. Everybody, let's pay some respect to the departed. Okay, and in other news, I ...what? That wasn't short. That was plenty of time. Yes, it was enough to show respect. I don't think that a full minute would be appropriate under the circumstances. It's not like they were my best friend....

~~~
Today, I forgot the word for __________. yeah, the stuff that you wash your clothes with. soap for the clothes washing machine. not dishwashing soap. Oh, yeah!!! DETERGENT! I need to buy some when we go grocery shopping today.

Flashback Friday and posts

I forgot! I posted some new stuff, too! you can check it out here.
Plus, today is flashback Friday Woohoo! after being gone for three weeks (I know I have pretty much botched punctuation today), I almost forgot. This was me, in front of a tiny car. We see these a bunch over here, and I would love to have one one day. Of course, I would have to get a Chevy pick-up motor put into it, but still...

wonder

I think that I'm going to make this my new motto

My 5's

I got tagged, but I love these things:
Five in my fridge: -jar of salsa, almost gone -leftover eggplant parmesan - Happy Cow cream (HA!, don't ask) - Green tea YUM - Dan's Koolaid lemonade
Five in my closet: Tan beret from Paris, traditional Kosovar wedding outfit (yep! I've worn it) - blow dryer - false eyelashes - one piece of stray candy
Five in my purse: pocket mirror - 1 lone puzzle piece - passports - street map of Ljubljana -Slovenia - Manhattan Wanted! lip balm, ice flavor
Five in my car: umbrella (not sure it works) - dirt - dried apple juice spot - neon orange safety vest - half empty oil can
Five on my TiVo or DVR: don't have, so computer } musicmatch jukebox - Adobe Photoshop - digikits - freecell (I'm addicted to this game) - my documents folder, which basically holds most of my creative capacity within it
Five I tag: Rachel M. - Rachael P. - CD - Katie - Elizabeth

6 AM this morning

{a conversation between me and Dan}
Me: I can't find my headset
Dan: ( no response )
Amber: have you seen my headset?
Dan: (click, click, messing with lamp switch, which also gives no response)
Dan: Did we just lose electricity?
Amber: yep
Dan: guess you don't need your headset

-no electricity means no treadmill, means no morning run, means no need for head set

later in the morning while we are messing on the computer Dan points to the aforementioned headset sitting on the top of the computer in plain site:
Dan: oh, by the way, here's your headset, but you can't see anything in the mornings anyway!!

too cute for words

Judah is at the wonderful age where he wants to talk, all of the time, but only about 10% of what comes out of his mouth makes any sense. Never mind the fact that the kid has two different languages, nine or ten signs, and many interesting facial expressions at his disposal! So, we have now entered the time in my life when I am constantly trying to figure out if what he is saying is words of just his words. He repeats almost all of the simple things that we say, and tries some of the more complex ones, too. Yesterday, he told me, "u dota un ee umpa". "Okay", I answered, and followed him out on to the porch where he proudly showed me a bug he had found, flipped over, and left stranded, kicking its little legs in the air trying (in vain) to escape the horrible thing that put him there in the first place and would be returning any moment -sidenote: Judah loves bugs, he literally shrieks with joy when he finds one - So!, point! do you understand what he told me? "you gotta come see something" How funny is he? Everyday is an adventure in puzzle solving and my husband is no help. "You really think he said that?!" But, it is fun, and promising. Because if he is saying this much, in his sweet, soft voice, then what will he be saying next month or in two months? I can't wait to find out! This is a really fun stage.

When I wish I could have given my two cents

Why is it that you give your "two cents worth", but it's "a penny for your thoughts"? (and if you think that that is mine own original thought, you are nuts!!)
But, I wish I could have been a meeting held in our village this last Saturday. I wish that, even though it was the day right after we got back and my house looked like a dog had lived in it and then the neighbors had moved in, that I could have heard what an American 'visitor' had to say to the people of this village. I probably have never really told the history of the village where we live, Krushë e Vogël, Kosovo. If you have heard this before, sorry, if not, sorry if you cry - I always do. Our village was a village of about 100 members, Serbian and Kosovar (ethnic Albanian) before the war. It had been like that for a very long time. Many of the older people that we talk to still can speak Serbian, and talk about how them and their neighbors got along. In 1990, the Serbian government started pushing the Kosovars out of all of the well-paid, good jobs. Many of the families in our village lost a steady income at that time. The Kosovars were pulled over and harassed by the Serbian police (all Kosovar police had been taken off the force), some were beat, or thrown in jail unnecessarily. Then, the war started. To say when it really started is hard, and I have a bad memory for these things. But, on March 24, 1999, NATO began to drop bombs on government buildings, police stations, some factories, anything that was being used by the Serbians or could help them. Near our village is a oil refinery that was blown up because it was Serb owned. When NATO started the bombing, Serbian military and paramilitary started leaving, but not without leaving reminders of who they are. In our village, they separated the Kosovar men from the women and children, told the women and children to go to the river and drown themselves, and took the men up the hill. Their neighbors stood by and did nothing, even though they had told the people to not worry, so they hadn't left earlier. Some of them even pointed out their Kosovar neighbors, and pointed out boys that were of the age. The women went to the river, and were helped across by villagers from the other side. They then escaped into Albania where they stayed for four months as refugees, some in camps and some with kind families. Four months not knowing what had happened back in the village after they were told to leave. The men were marched up the hill, one as young as 10 years old, one as old as 70, and some that were debilitated (sp?). They were driven into one room of a house, fired at through the windows with automatic rifles, poured hay upon, and then burned to death. 117 men and boys were killed March 26, 1999, and their neighbors did nothing to stand in the way. On the west side of the road that goes through our village, the men weren't killed, but in exchange for the raping of their women while they were in the next room. Now, seven years after the war, an American 'visitor' comes into the village, holds a meeting, and tells these widows and families that they need to allow the Serbian 'neighbors' to return to the village and live here! I'm not going against my Christian belief of forgiveness in this, but I see how easy it is to come from a 'civilized' country, where we have our family, house, church, friends, and life, and say, "you need to get a long because that is what's right". But, in saying that, can we see the pain that these women face every single day because ALL of the men in their life were killed? Can we see the grief that these remaining men hold because they weren't able to save their wives and daughters? Or, even that they survived while others didn't? As a Christian, I am called to love all men as Christ would love them. And, I do. If I met a Serbian, I'm sure that they would be friendly and we could even become friends. But, I cannot say that bringing them back to this village would be a good, wise, or kind thing. I cannot say that this guy's idea is a good one. I can't say that I wouldn't have just told him off if I had been at that meeting. And all of this is to say that, Man! I wish I could have said all of that to this American 'visitor'!

New Day

“His mercies are new every morning”, and I am so thankful for that. Things are better today, and my outlook on life isn’t quite as grim as it was last night. But, really how could it be? When I look out my window and see that Spring has finally decided to visit us. (The picture wouldn't upload, so you have to use your imagination) Everything is so green, and little blossoms are popping out everywhere. Of course, this means that we enter the weird time of year where the temp inside our house resembles Alaska winters, and the temp outside is tempting us to sunbathe. We bundle up like Eskimos inside, drink warm drinks, and blow on our hands, then, run outside and shed all of our layers. It’s a very good motivation to get outside and do some gardening. Get in the dirt, smell the earth as it wakes up to the sun, plant some flowers, and heal the damage that my friendly vandals did. (I have forgiven them, truly) We think that Judah has a little bit of ‘Finding Nemo withdrawal. Hmmm, wonder why? I mean, it’s normal for 18 month old boys to say, “Nemo, Nemo, Nemo, Nemo, Nemo…” over and over again while they are riding home in the car, for hours. (okay, he said ‘Momee, Momee, Momee, but he’s has a little dyslexia from my side) It’s normal that I have to spell it out if I have to mention it to Dan – “Is it okay if Judah watches N-E-M-O today?” But, as you can see, I think he got his fix! HA! But, today, has been an inside day, more by need than choice, of course. While I have been puttering around putting away the massive amount of stuff that we took with us (isn’t it interesting that at the beginning of a trip everything seems so important, but at the end, you wonder why you really thought you needed all of those pairs of shoes? HA. Actually, I never wonder that about shoes, shirts maybe, but shoes, NO! I normally think I didn’t pack enough shoes, but I’m palavering {sp?}), I have been thinking about the day, weekend, and week to come. What needs to get done? What would I like to get done? What REALLY needs to get done? And the number 1 answer to all of those questions is CUT JUDAH’S HAIR!!!! I mean seriously, look at that mop! Where is that boy’s parent’s and why are they taking such shoddy care of him?! We wanted to cut it before we left, but worried that he his noggingwould get too cold because of its sudden lack of hair, so we waited. But, I think that the wait is over. But, all teasing aside, can you see the fluttering glimpse of the young man that he will be someday. I don’t know how to explain it, but I see it, and I know that more and more, my little boy isn’t so little anymore!

I'll be better in the morning....

...but for now, I would like to scream. We just got back home from a 3 day drive through most of southern Europe. I could barely contain myself the last few kilometers (miles) to home. i think that the last miles before home after any large trip must be the worst. But, now, I would almost like to get back on the road. Anxious to come home to my wonderful home, I was instead greeted by a very dirty remnant of my home where every last surface needs to be cleaned. Ok, I expected some dust, and little tidying, that's normal. But, the sight that greeted me in the bathroom even goes beyond normal cleaning. Maybe I'll just find some police tape and cordon that room off!!! Daniel is being a wonderful husband and vacuuming because my nerves were frayed to the very ends at the discovery that ALL of the bulbs that I so so excitedly planted last fall were dug up. I had thought about how I would plant other seeds around the already growing bulbs when we got back from Germany. Instead, there is one, wilted, beautiful tulip, cut at its stem, as a nasty thank you note from the vandals! I know that everything will be good tomorrow, and I am happy that I am home, but, I think I need a Valium!

I got to scrap today

I feel somewhat normal today, a contrast to the disconnected-not-at-home feeling I have had since we arrived in Germany, because I got to make som thank you cards. We have been so blessed by the people here at Humedice, that even while we have had to stay here longer because the engine on our van was completely unfixable, we have enjoyed our stay. We have had a perfect little flat so that we could come home to our own space, and I could cook meals if I had the inclination (which I did, and I even created a new recipe 'shtepia pasta' that was oh so scrumptious). we had a vehicle to use in our travels of sightseeing, which were more than we had ever expected because of our extra time here. We had wonderful friends invite us to their homes and make us feel completely welcome and comfortable. But, today, really let me feel a little bit more sane! x-acto knife, sticky medium (in this case, double sided scotch tape, which I love), pretty papers, and pictures that I took and messed with in a German version of Photoshop (translation, or search and find the command, added at least 20 minutes to work time), and mz perfect, fine, felt-tip pen, and my life is a little bit brighter. hope yours are also. have a good day.

We are truly weird

Yep! It´s certifiable!!! We are absolutely twisted!

Me, okay, funny, but Dan.....

Caddy vs. Benz

I have heard people call an item that is the top of its line the "cadillac of ________". Like a Schwinn mountain bike being the cadillac of bikes. But, here in Europe, if something is really nice it is the "Mercedes of ____________". Interesting how life is very much similar, but still so very different. I would rather have the Mercedes, thank you.

NEW TITLE

Just in case you were wondering how important we are, we have now been given the titles of Executive project manager - Kosova (Dan), and Assistant Project Manager (me).
heeheeeeheeeheeeheee

Almost home

Here we are in Germany, still. I kind of feel like I have been here forever! Or at least for a very long time. We needed to come to Germany to get the vehicle, that we drive on a regular basis, inspected and registered and legal to be driven, but because of timing, we had to stay for a longer time than we would have liked. I know, what am I complaining about staying an extra few days in Germany? But, really, I can't wait to get home, which is very odd for me. But, in a nutshell, we have:
~driven on the autobahn, where, I mentioned previously, they drive like crazies
~visited the black forest, where we had such a lovely time and perfect weather, that I really think God made the time especially for us
~met many of the people at Humedica (the organization that we volunteer for. go to Humedica.org for more info), and been so blessed by their warmth and helpfulness
~seen part of the lovely city of Munich (I liked it almost as much as Paris!)
~ate at Pizza Hut once (woohoo)
~had Starbucks twice(Wooohooooo)
~bought really cute shoes (the battery on my camera is dead and I forgot the charger, so I will post a pic later)
~got inspired to really, truly learn German (that would be language number 3)
~visited a real life castle
~worshipped in German (worship is worship everywhere, everylanguage, every song, and everytime you do it, if you do it right)

Of course, there is more, but I think that that sums it up. Those are definitely the highlights. Oh, and I had an idea, I am going to write down my life's special days, nope! better yet, I am going to scrap them. Maybe digi, maybe paper. hmm, I 'll have to think about it. I think this is one of the reasons that I can't wait to get home. I can't wait to start scrapping all of the pictures that I have!!!!!!

Alles besser

Okay, fifteen minutes, one guinea pig break, all of my friends´ blogs, a little pity party, five prayers, several drinks of water (hugely lacking in my life lately) later, I´m doing better. Sorry, had a moment there! c-ya and God bless huge to you.
told you my English is suffering!

swirled green peas

The house where we are staying right now has some very cool features that are very earth-friendly. There is a water tank below the house where rain water is collected and then reused for different things in the house like toilets, washing machines, and a few other things! Some of the lights in the main sections of the house are set on a motion detector so that don´t remain on continually, only when there are people in that area! Garbage is it´s own interesting process in Germany, too! I am not really a person who would attend a 'save the whales' rally (not that it´s bad, but that is another blog entirely), but I think that I could handle these 'green' changes in my house!

dazed and confused

Here I am. I´m still alive! I feel as though I have not been my normal self, which in a way, is true since I have not been living my normal life. Today, we went to church in a beautiful church in the Black Forest. I feel really disjointed, and disconnected, and I feel like I can´t talk (type) right since I have been speaking German/simple English for the last week and a half. I think I need to go back to school for my own language. I haven´t even been trying to teach Judah how to speak since I can´t quite remember myself!!! It´s always wonderful to see new places, and have a break from your everyday life, but, I can´t wait to get back home. Hopefully (I´ll explain the whole situation better when I can think and speak in clear English), we will be able to leave Germany on Thursday, and get home on Sunday!!! I feel like crying, I feel mixed up, you know how you get when you just want to cry and cry and cry? It took me a few minutes just to find the question mark on the keyboard! Of course, tomorrow will be better, but I really want my own bed, or my mommy, or both! I think I need to go watch a sad movie so I can just cry...or take a really long nap. Wow, this makes absolutely no sense and is so not cohesive! I had better go...